My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
You Might Also Like
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Cucumbers Anonymous
