My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
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I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.