My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
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When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
Children of the corn 🌽
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being