My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
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My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Hit me in the face with a bird
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”