Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

I am patiently waiting for your email

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

Talk about a bad egg

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you

Pleading insanity in small claims court

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

my dad has had enough

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

*puts cutlery down*

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone