My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
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iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk