My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
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“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt