My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

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Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?


[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.


“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*


Thousands of religions and you’re damned if you choose incorrectly? There must be people in Hell asking,”So! What religion are you in for?”


“My cat just got ran over”

You cant end a sentence with a preposition

“My cat just got ran over lol”


It really annoys me when people who barely know you want to become Facebook friends, like an old classmate or someone you’ve slept with