@krisv_723

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

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@Swishergirl24

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

@ObscureGent

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

@carlyken

[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR

@TySmithdrums

Thousands of religions and you’re damned if you choose incorrectly? There must be people in Hell asking,”So! What religion are you in for?”

@RoosterMustache

“My cat just got ran over”

You cant end a sentence with a preposition

“My cat just got ran over lol”

@KindOfASmartass

It really annoys me when people who barely know you want to become Facebook friends, like an old classmate or someone you’ve slept with