My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
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My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
gm
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere