Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.