Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

*Inspirational Tweets*

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

Hear me out…

A leaf blower, but for people.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.