My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
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America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards