My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
You Might Also Like
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.