My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
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An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.