My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
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A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
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Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.