My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
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Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I’m giving up for Lent.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
My birth announcement for our third baby
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though