My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
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You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.