Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

How to properly lift a body

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽‍♀️😭

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”