Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

I’d love this…lol

Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!

Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?

3:…

Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?

3:…

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.