Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

🧠

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.