My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
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I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Storm Tropical Storm
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
This guy’s not having it 😆
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.