Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.

True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆

After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.

Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.