I forgot why I went upstairs.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
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Well, at least I didn’t kill a lion!
– Bill Cosby
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday.
BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“Not you as well”.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.