*Sits straight up in bed*
*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
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I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS