@AlmightyBored

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

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@TheTweetOfGod

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.

@AudreyPorne

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

@MischievousJam

I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday.

BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food

@amyistrouble

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

@DanielEdison_

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

@FU_TangClan

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

@ThisOneSayz

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

@dmc1138

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.