My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
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My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on