My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
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i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Skills
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.