My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
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“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
everyone’s a critic
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.