My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
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[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me