My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
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I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition