My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
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“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Welcome to the stomach
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I’m aging like a fine banana
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?