Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”

Not even remotely sorry.

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

🐕🍷

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.