@thedailymarker

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

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@JohnnyCrash5

Getting a woman:

1.Select the woman u like
2. Lick her face
3. She is now yours take her home

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I’ve been arrested 10 times

@KeyLimeShy

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

@LuvPug

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

@BoogTweets

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

@therealeatwood

Day 1: injected self with mouse DNA

Day 2: ate 12 blocks of cheese

Day 3: 15 blocks

Day 4: experiment is failure; no observable changes

@colesprouse

You’re losing followers because you’re not relatable enough. Try mentioning that you eat pizza. If that doesn’t work, play the ukulele.

@kolchak

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

@PFTompkins

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

@aldenskii

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me: