My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

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Husband: I know the kids are driving you crazy, just walk away for a bit and you’ll feel a lot better

Me, now living on a deserted island: what do you know, he was right


[before date]

friend: make everything about her


waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault


I hate when people say “Look at me when I’m talking to you.” I mean, c’mon, one inconvenience at a time.


I bet you the first person to invent puzzles was a woman that ripped up a picture of her husband.


Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you


Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?


Autocorrect changed smell to spell but you know what? Your spelling is horrible too.


Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”