My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
You Might Also Like
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
wtf is an acronym
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Shower sex be like:
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝