@thedailymarker

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

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@VisionBored1

Husband: I know the kids are driving you crazy, just walk away for a bit and you’ll feel a lot better

Me, now living on a deserted island: what do you know, he was right

@decentbirthday

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

@Sarcasticsapien

I hate when people say “Look at me when I’m talking to you.” I mean, c’mon, one inconvenience at a time.

@StellaRtwot

I bet you the first person to invent puzzles was a woman that ripped up a picture of her husband.

@shopkins776

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

@omgshuddup

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

@LoneWolfStories

Autocorrect changed smell to spell but you know what? Your spelling is horrible too.

@CarelWillemse

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”