Getting a woman:
1.Select the woman u like
2. Lick her face
3. She is now yours take her home
I’ve been arrested 10 times
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
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They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Day 1: injected self with mouse DNA
Day 2: ate 12 blocks of cheese
Day 3: 15 blocks
Day 4: experiment is failure; no observable changes
You’re losing followers because you’re not relatable enough. Try mentioning that you eat pizza. If that doesn’t work, play the ukulele.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.