My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
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EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
#CoronaOutbreak
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Möther may I have a snäck
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
“You’d better run, egg!”
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort