My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
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If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Carpe DM
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
