My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
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Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
yea so i messed up lol
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”