My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
You Might Also Like
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.