My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
