My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
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please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
same energy
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
dictator is short for richard potato
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
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