My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
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*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
LOL
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise