Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

indiana??? now they’re just making up states

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.

She said Johnnie.