my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
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Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme![]()
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
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Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
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Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
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All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
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And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY