My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
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“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
when unicorns get really drunk
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
im all 3
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?