My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
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According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
adding to the discourse
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
🤣😂🤣😂
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.