Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid

Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜