Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
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With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Who puts their underwear on like that?
Agent: I keep telling you, nobody is making a movie with pirates or elves right now!
Orlando Bloom: (through tears)
Are you sure?