My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

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MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.


Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though


Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.


A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.


Him: my gf left me

Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea

Him: yeah but-

Me: also a squirrel

Him: …what

Me: and a sponge in a pineapple


I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.


My boss asked me to stop using metaphors when i speak to clients but that’s like asking a samurai not to use his sword


Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.


Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.


“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”