@LuvPug

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

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@ChristianGalia1

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

@emilylime

The more exclamation marks I use, the more I’m lying: Miss you too girl!!! Yea I’d love to go to lunch!!!!! Sorry something came up!!!!!!!!

@rolldiggity

Fun Game:
1. Be a couple without kids.
2. Hire a babysitter.
3. When they show up and ask where the kid is, scream, “You lost it already?!?”

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

@TheDjinnTrials

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

@simoncholland

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

@AndrewsNotFunny

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

@TheAlexP

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

@LurkAtHomeMom

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

@adoraobubo

Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂