My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
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Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
A couple who are silly together stay together.