@LuvPug

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

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@Staggfilms

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

@audipenny

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

@torrami

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

@underchilde

A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.

@roostermustache

Him: my gf left me

Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea

Him: yeah but-

Me: also a squirrel

Him: …what

Me: and a sponge in a pineapple

@msevilroyslade

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

@ihateitmunky

My boss asked me to stop using metaphors when i speak to clients but that’s like asking a samurai not to use his sword

@Dawn_M_

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

@3sunzzz

Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.

@MattyBShow

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA