My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
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[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean