Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”

In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:

“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”

Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.

A ghost story

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

Nice mustache, bro.

Her: What?

#Caturday

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”