Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

all bases covered

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

incredible book dedication

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

hacker: i know your social security number

me: that makes one of us

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.