My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
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Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Seals are just dog mermaids.