My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
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Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
#SuperBowl
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you