Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

Onion rings.

What sounds do other vegetables make?

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.