My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
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I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.