My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
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Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Same post same
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else