My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.
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How animals would run if they were human
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
uncle dave has been through hell
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.