Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

Yup

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?