Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

A friend helps you before you need it

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me: