Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.