My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
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“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
The most accurate map ever devised.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?