Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

a fate I wish upon no one

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

Okay this one takes it home