Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

Not recommended for beginners.

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me 

– Kanye West warming up

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk