Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

Which knight can find anything?

Sir Chengine.

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

I stand by it

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]

Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy