Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:

Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.