Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.