Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after

I’ve disappointed better people.

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit