My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
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teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
“and how does that make you feel?”
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.