My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
You Might Also Like
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”