My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
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Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
water it, i dare you
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits