My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
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Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you