My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
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I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Do not steal food from the science building!
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.