My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
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It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
A wise man once said nothing.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit