Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

Hotel California reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating