My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
You Might Also Like
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious