My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
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This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.