Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

Arrest that man!

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?