Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

This sounds bad:

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.