Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.

Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’

Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’

Cashier: ‘Eh?’

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.

Those are good neighbors.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?

BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?

TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.

My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.