Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wut hotdog?

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

A drum solo but on your face.

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.