Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin

Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”

when you don’t want to be too vague

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.

They didn’t planet that way.

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

why am I working on Labor Day

Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!

Donkey I Shreked the Kids

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’