My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
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Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
For real 🤣
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
#oldknees
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to